


oh but you still dream of everything you want to forget, don't you?

by PurpleCatGhost



Series: Existential Existence [4]
Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Confessions, Glitches, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Guilt in this one, M/M, Nightmares, Not love confessions but other ones-, Sunkist KNOWS when your sad and She Will Help, for multiple characters, mild pyromania, take a wild guess who that tag is for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24810850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleCatGhost/pseuds/PurpleCatGhost
Summary: Sometimes the only thing you can do when confronted with something you're avoiding is to meet it head on.Doesn't make it any less terrifying however. That's something both Gordon and Benrey can agree on.
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Tommy Coolatta & Gordon Freeman
Series: Existential Existence [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1744276
Comments: 52
Kudos: 407





	oh but you still dream of everything you want to forget, don't you?

**Author's Note:**

> "God, I hate writing." I say as I immediately start writing more after I finished this fic. "Why do I do this to myself." I say as I open up more google docs because I have more fanfiction ideas. "Writing is the worst and I'm never doing it again." I say as I start jotting down ideas for an AU and start ranting to my friends about them.
> 
> Or in other words, writing this was a p a i n and it took a while BUT I DID IT! Anddd I already started writing more.

Gordon knows it was a dream- everything felt so off that it can be nothing but. It wasn’t real, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t _mean_ anything.

And yet…

_Gordon’s lungs wheeze as the claw marks all up and down his legs cause him to limp. The portal is so close, Gordon only needs to make it a short distance. Safety calls to him on the other side and Gordon reaches out for it-_

_But he’s too slow. One, two, four, seven, eleven- too many hands to count start to latch onto him. With a yelp, he hits the ground **hard.** The ache is short lived as terror overtakes him. More hands grab onto his arms now, yanking him back and all of Gordon’s efforts to shake them off remain futile._

_Gordon makes the mistake of looking back and feels the exact moment when his heart stops. The prototypes make a screeching sound that shakes him to his very core. Each and every one of them have cold, dead eyes and green goop that oozes out of their mouths. They’re unforgiving. They’re soulless. They won’t let him go._

_The prototypes surround him. They pull him back, far away from the one thing that could save him. Gordon tries to fight them off but they are many and Gordon is just one man._

_Gordon screams for help._

_Nobody comes for him._

He makes a pitiful noise, covering up his face. Despite fully knowing he’s safe in his bed now, Gordon can’t shake the anxiety that still rests in his bones saying he’s not. That next time he closes his eyes, he’ll be back there and they’ll be no escape.

Gordon pulls himself out of bed and stumbles his way into the kitchen. Benrey’s already there, staring at the toaster expectantly with wide, unblinking eyes.

“Intimidating the toaster doesn’t make it cook faster.” Gordon mumbles, still half asleep. He makes a beeline for the coffee maker, beginning to brew himself a pot. 

Benrey scoffs at his statement. “Maybe it doesn’t work for _you.”_ He looks over like he’s going to say more but stops. Eyes dart up and down, fully looking him over. “...Another one?”

Gordon doesn’t like how careful his tone is. He doesn’t need to be handled with kid gloves. Despite this, he doesn’t say anything. “Mmhmm.” He rubs his eyes.

“You… Wanna talk about it?”

Benrey’s been offering for a while now. It’s been eight days since Gordon pulled him out of the void and Gordon gets the feeling like Benrey still thinks he owes him. He’s offered at least a dozen times now. Gordon has yet to take him up on it. 

“Wasn’t that bad.” He doesn’t even believe himself. Benrey doesn’t push for it, however, and just goes with it. 

A second later, Gordon jumps when the toaster finally pops out a pair of burnt waffles. Benrey immediately grabs them and starts chomping down on them like it’s his first time eating in days. Which, since Benrey doesn’t seem to _need_ to eat and only _likes_ to, it might be. Gordon wouldn’t be too surprised. 

“How do you _eat_ that?” Gordon raises his eyebrows skeptically.

“Crunchy.” Is the only answer Benrey gives. 

Gordon stifles a laugh. “Whatever works I guess.”

Gordon might never accept his offers to talk about his dreams to Benrey, but somehow Benrey finds a way of helping. He’s a _damn_ good distraction. Even when he stresses Gordon out by eating something he shouldn’t be, Gordon forgets about whatever was giving him nightmares for a while to stop him. Better to stress about your nonhuman guest trying to eat a ketchup bottle than dreams of Black Mesa. Gordon would gladly take the former any day of the week.

Of course, there’s been… _Less_ pleasant times with Benrey too.

_He lashes out, causing Benrey to tumble onto the floor. Gordon is out of his bed and standing in seconds, his body refusing to stop shaking. He doesn’t know what he wants to do but he needs to do something something SOMETHING-_

_“Fe- Gordon!” Benrey scrambles back, pressing his back against the far wall. “I wasn’t- you screamed and I was just making sure you weren’t dying! I wasn’t doing anything!” It sounds like a plea- wait why is Benrey pleading?_

_Gordon blinks. Then again, his breath returns to him as reality starts to set in. It weighs on his shoulders until it’s hard to stand. His head is filled with what feels like TV static but he tries to grasp at what’s going on. He relays the facts in his head._

_He’s standing in his pajamas in his apartment. He’s physically okay. He’s far away from Black Mesa and Benrey-_

_Gordon covers his mouth, taking a step back. “Oh god, I… Fuck- I didn’t mean-... fuck...”_

“Coffee’s done.” Benrey breaks him out of his own thoughts. Gordon shakes himself and pours himself some. He can feel Benrey’s gaze on him, even with his back turned.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Pretty deep in your own head there…” Benrey murmurs. He takes another bite of his burnt waffles, chewing slowly.

“It’s nothing.” Gordon insists. He can _hear_ how defensive he sounds and he hates it. Unfortunately there’s nothing he can do to take it back. “Just thinking.”

Benrey shrugs it off but Gordon knows he’s sneaking glances at him. He pretends to ignore it, checking his phone but everyone seems to be silent today.

Gordon grimaces. _Gonna be a slow day._

—

“Mind if I ask you something.” Benrey lies on his stomach from the couch. He stares expectantly at Gordon, his face half covered by the pillow his head is sinking into. 

Gordon shrugs. So far it _has_ been a slow day. Most he’s done is cook lunch for both of them. “Hit me.”

Benrey raises his hand. Gordon yelps, even though the distance between them makes it impossible for him to _actually_ hit him. _“Not like that!_ I meant like ‘Sure, what’s the question?’ Not actually hitting me!” Benrey lowers his hand. He swears Benrey smirks for just a moment. _“Jesus._ You really aren’t human sometimes.”

“Told you.” Benrey hesitates. His eyes flicker down. “Where’s your son? The one you had a pic of in your locker?”

Gordon visibly tenses, then forcefully makes himself look relaxed like he wasn’t phased by the question. “Joshua is with his mother. I call him from time to time, at least once a week.”

“He ever been over here?”

“Not since I left Black Mesa.”

Benrey blinks. He thought for certain that he wasn’t here because of _him._ Benrey doubts Gordon would trust him with his kid- as much as he wants to meet him. “Why not?”

Gordon goes deadly silent. He’s never been good about hiding his emotions but suddenly, Benrey can’t read his expression. The closest he gets is… _Despair,_ but less a hopeless kind and more one where he’s just kind of accepted it. 

“Do I really have to say it?”

Gordon meets Benrey’s gaze. His eyes say, _‘Isn’t it obvious?’_ but Benrey really can’t think of an answer. Gordon seems to get the idea that Benrey needs a nudge in the right direction. Despite this, Gordon would _really_ rather talk about anything else. “It’s hard to explain if you don’t have a kid.”

“Try me.” It’s almost a challenge. Gordon would’ve taken it as one but Benrey’s tone is softer than usual. _Kid gloves._ Gordon bites his lip. He doesn’t see a way out of it.

“Benrey… You’ve been here eight days. How many times have I woken up screaming or sobbing?”

“Uh... Four or five times?”

“And how many of _those_ times have I woken up swinging?”

Benrey breaks away from Gordon’s gaze, staring at the floor. “Twice.”

“Exactly.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Joshua… He doesn’t need to see that. Or be _around_ that. _God-_ if I ever accidentally _hurt_ him… I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I miss him so much that it _hurts_ but I really _can’t_ be around him. For both of our sakes. So I limit our time to phone calls on the weekends.”

“Dude... Aren’t you just making yourself unhappy by doing this to yourself? That’s just- just _stupid._ You should at least _see_ him.”

Gordon drums his fingers against the armchair. His defensive mode kicks back in and he redirects the question. “Benrey, why haven’t you seen anyone else on the Science Team?”

Benrey’s eyes go wide. It’s a bit of a cruel jab but not totally _unfair._ Benrey swore Gordon to secrecy to not tell anyone else he was alive yet. Gordon had to bite back on the fact that G-Man knew but… If I hadn’t told Tommy already, maybe he wouldn’t make the first move? 

Even so, it wasn’t easy. Every time he saw the Science Team, there was a feeling in his gut that wouldn’t go away. A feeling that jabbed that he was _lying_ to them and that wasn’t _fair._ It really wasn’t. But he couldn’t exactly blame Benrey either. Last time he saw them, they all tried to kill each other. He just needed time.

Eight days had passed. Gordon tried not to get impatient.

“I- there just hasn’t been the right moment. Bad- bad vibes.” Benrey stutters out in response. 

Gordon scoffs at that. Maybe he’s being a little cruel but in his defense, Joshua _has_ become a bit of a sore spot. His nerves act up and he lashes out. “Don’t act like you’re not in the same boat. I’ve given you _plenty_ of chances to talk to them. You’re scared. Like me. Because the second they know you’re back and they _see_ you, you’re afraid they’re going to see something they don’t like and everything will be ruined beyond repair, and that’s… _God,_ that’s a nightmare come to life, isn’t it?”

Benrey doesn’t say a word. That’s all Gordon needs to know. “Yeah. I thought so.”

“...I- I just need more time.”

“At some point, you gotta ask yourself if you’re ever _actually_ going to do it or if you’re just going to stall forever.”

Benrey glances back up at him. “Are _you_ stalling forever?”

“I just need more time.” Gordon echoes.

Neither say much for the rest of the day. Gordon dreams of Joshua that night and wakes up with an ache in his heart. 

—

It’s a Saturday and Gordon fiddles with the phone in his hand. Even though the process has happened what feels like a dozen times before, he still feels like something will go wrong and it’ll be the last call he gets.

The phone rings. Gordon feels himself stop breathing before he answers it.

_“Daddy!”_ A cheerful voice calls from the other side. _“I missed you!”_

Gordon swallows and he laughs softly. “Missed you too, Joshie.”

Gordon’s aware that most of his memories of Joshua and Maria were programmed messily into his head but sometimes, it feels like when he talks to Joshua again, he gains more. He remembers the birth of his son, how his first word was ‘Balloon’, how little he cried as a baby, and like puzzle pieces, all the blanks begin to be filled in. Gordon feels it all become more _real._

Gordon is lucky that everytime he gets too choked up to speak to him, Joshua fills the line with his voice instead. He chatters on and on about whatever he wants to tell Gordon. About that new cowboy show he’s been watching, about how he caught a frog yesterday but had to release it, and about how much he misses him.

Hearing Joshua’s voice is sometimes what powers him through the day. Gordon can’t imagine life without him.

“How’s your week been, Joshie?” Is all he has to say. Joshua instantly starts to go on a long winded rant about every aspect of his past few days. Gordon takes in every word, focused and content.

Two hours pass by in a flash. Gordon knows Joshua’s going to leave soon.

_“Hey, Daddy? When can I see you?”_

Joshua has asked that same question every single time they talk. It never fails to tug at his heartstrings. However, this time he hesitates. He _wants_ to see Joshua again and even if he’s not sure about him staying over… He could still _see_ him. Benrey might not have been too far off.

“Maybe- maybe soon. I’ll have to talk to your mother- we’ll see, okay?”

Joshua cheers from the other side of the phone. _“Okay! I hope it’s soon- I really miss you!”_

“I miss you too, Joshie. Take care, okay? I…” Gordon has to clear his throat so the next words out of his mouth are coherent. “I love you more than _anything._ Don’t you ever forget that.”

_“I won’t! Love you too!”_

The phone goes dead but Gordon holds onto it for a little longer. A shaky breath escapes him, his fingers curling tighter around it like it’s a lifeline. 

He can do this. He can see his son again.

Running a hand through his hair, he finally leaves his bedroom and steps into the living room. He opens his mouth to tell Benrey that they might be getting a visit from Joshua and how he needs to refrain from cursing when they do, but he stops. His mouth closes and finds Benrey sprawled across the couch, fast asleep.

“Afternoon nap?” Gordon raises his eyebrows. “You haven’t been sleeping, huh?”

Benrey doesn’t respond. Gordon decides to let him be and instead goes to get something to eat. He moves through the kitchen silently, deciding to make himself some pasta and starts boiling some water. As he waits, his thoughts drift back to Joshua.

Maybe Benrey was right. Maybe all he’s doing is making himself unhappy. It’s not surprising, really. Gordon knows he has a bad habit of doing that, even despite his best efforts. Anxiety tends to squeeze on his chest at the worst times and he backs out. Too fearful to step outside of the bubble he’s created around himself.

Gordon agonized for three weeks and did little to help himself when he first woke up outside of the void. Not to mention, according to his memories of Maria, their relationship became strained when neither felt the romantic attraction anymore but they didn’t know how to break it off. Months had passed and they only stressed each other out more, yet still refused to call it quits.

Then Maria got pregnant. Both of them realized that if anything could put a lock on their relationship, it was _that._ Neither took it well.

Gordon disappeared for nearly a month. He bought himself an apartment and refused to tell anyone where exactly he was, only that he was safe. He barely slept the entire time.

Maria threw herself into work, refusing to acknowledge what was happening. She wanted to keep the baby but didn’t want this to be what would forever bind her and Gordon to a relationship. 

When they met up again, they came to an agreement that while they wanted the baby and both wanted to be a part of his life, they wanted to break up. The process was messy and Gordon wasn’t sure if Maria ever fully forgot how he ran for a while there but they were good now. Friends even, last Gordon checked. 

It could’ve been avoided if Gordon had just stayed and talked or broke it off earlier. Half of all of Gordon’s problems seem to come from himself.

High pitched singing rips Gordon out of his head. The room rapidly starts to fill up with white colored orbs. The sweet voice spills out of Benrey’s mouth, his face twisting, but the most shocking part is how he’s _still asleep._ He curls in on himself, gasping for air. Gordon hesitates, but only for a second before rushing to shake Benrey awake.

Red eyes take one look at him before Gordon is roughly shoved away. He stumbles to keep balance. Benrey scrambles to his feet, backing away from Gordon. For one moment, Gordon swears he sees a glitch of power but it dispelled just as quickly as it comes. Benrey looks at him like he just tried to kill him.

Gordon’s mind kindly reminds him that there’s a good reason for that.

Gordon shows his hands, palms up. Benrey stares at them intensely before blinking like he’s just waking up. “Easy…” Gordon murmurs. “You’re okay, I promised I wasn’t going to hurt you again. Remember?”

Benrey doesn’t meet his eyes, his gaze drifting to his environment. Gordon gulps. He had a feeling Benrey had nightmares too but he never witnessed the aftermath like _this._ He’s not sure if talking is helping, but he doesn’t have too many options. Any sort of physical contact seems out of the question.

“You’re in my apartment.” Gordon explains slowly. “It’s just you and me. The game is over, we’re all safe, there’s nothing that’s going to hurt us.”

Benrey reaches up and grabs his head with his hands. Outwardly he seems to calm down but Gordon can tell by his eyes that he’s not shaking it completely off so easily. “I… I need some air.” He breathes.

Gordon pauses and gestures to the door. “There’s a park not too far from here. I could take you there-” Gordon doesn’t miss how Benrey tenses for a moment, “Or I could just give you directions if you need to be alone.”

Benrey nods slowly. Gordon spits out the directions like it’s second nature. As soon as Benrey processes them, he nods, mumbles a _‘thanks’_ and leaves without a second word.

Gordon is left staring at the door. He doesn’t know what happened and that makes him all the more afraid.

Gordon turns off the stove. Suddenly, he’s lost his appetite.

—

It’s the first time Benrey has left the apartment. 

Truth be told, he was half convinced there wouldn’t actually _be_ a world out there. Gordon’s apartment was the only thing he knew that didn’t feel like the void- what if it was the only thing keeping him from ending up back there? It was probably just a paranoid thought but for one reason or another, _Gordon_ was able to get him out. If Benrey somehow ended up back in it, Gordon could just pull him back out, right?

Benrey shakes his head, crossing his arms and keeping them close to the chest as he carefully follows Gordon’s instructions. He doesn’t want to think about the void ever again. He doesn’t usually have a _choice_ in the matter but if he can help it, he wants to avoid it.

A shiver passes through Benrey. The void felt too inevitable while he was in it and now, everything still feels surreal. Like he shouldn’t _be_ here.

But he is. And as long as he’s here, Benrey is going to cling to reality until it shakes him off. He’s not going down without a fight.

Benrey spots the edges of what has to be a park and sucks in a breath. He needs this- time to _think_ and take in reality. It might do him some good and _anything_ to soften the nightmares. It’s not an endless loop of death like it was before but it’s still something Benrey wants to avoid.

_Especially,_ Benrey gulps, _since they decided to twist on me. Not cool._

Benrey steps into the park and has to pause for a moment. All around him, other people- _NPCs?_ \- go about their lives. Kid climb on the play structure, a few joggers pass through, and quite a few people and their dogs are out. Benrey blinks- every single dog is perfect. They’re animated and 3D, but they almost look like JPEGs come to life.

Benrey stops himself when his mind drifts to Sunkist. He can’t go into that topic- because then he’s going to think about _Tommy_ and… And Benrey is avoiding him right now.

_One thing at a time._ Benrey finds the nearest empty bench and sinks into it. He rubs his eyes, trying to get rid of the sleep in them but it does little to help. Benrey supposes that attempting to go without sleep for a few days while still recovering isn’t having a good effect on his body. Most of his abilities still have yet to come back.

He doesn’t regret it as much as he should. His most recent nightmare feels like even further proof that maybe everything would just be better if he _didn’t_ sleep.

Benrey squeezes his eyes shut. He doesn’t want to think about it. His mind, however, has other plans.

_“Feetman- Gordon- fuck... I’m- I’m so sorry.” Benrey’s voice breaks. His head and voice are the only things he can control, but even that starts to get taken from him as tears stream down his face._

_He’s on Gordon, weighing him down and keeping him from running. His arms hold a saw in his hand and he brings it down on Gordon’s right hand. Gordon screams and thrashes but no matter how much either of them try, Benrey’s body doesn’t move. Benrey tries not to look as his body continues on its own, taking off Gordon’s hand._

_“I’m not- bro I-I swear this isn’t me!” Benrey tries to tell Gordon over his screaming. He’s almost halfway done and he feels like he’s going to throw up. “I’m not- I’m not in control!”_

_**“Bullshit.”** Gordon hisses at him. The pure hatred crushes Benrey. “You wanted this to happen. You wanted me to **hurt.”**_

_“Not- not like this! Feet- Gordon, please, you have to believe me. I tried-I tried to stop it! I thought I erased that bit of the code- I don’t know how it got brought back!”_

_“Face it, Benrey.” When Benrey opens his eyes, the deed is almost done and Gordon is looking murderous. “You did everything to get back at me for being more real than you. You **did** this.”_

_Benrey jerked back, regaining control but it’s too late. Gordon’s hand is off and there was blood on his hands. Benrey tries to wipe it off but it somehow only spreads. He can't escape it._

_Gordon stands up. He was no longer wearing his HEV suit, now in a simple T-shirt and jeans. A prosthetic replaced his right hand. There are dark bags under his eyes. ___

____

____

_This was the Gordon that Benrey knew now. The one he lived with._

_“You cut off my hand before. What will you do next? Because let’s be honest, you’re a **time bomb,** Benrey. You have a limited amount of time left before you **hurt someone again.”**_

The dream was bad enough. Waking up and immediately seeing Gordon was worse. The guilt still lingered and Benrey couldn’t deal with it.

Benrey buried his face in his hands and groaned. Why weren’t things _better?_ Everything was _okay._ There’s some sort of weird aftergame where they live peacefully. According to Gordon, all of the Science Team at the very least are out there living their lives _and Benrey-..._

Benrey has trouble leaving Gordon’s apartment. He’s doing the guy no favors by not leaving but the idea of being alone for too long is still paralyzing and Benrey doesn’t have anywhere else to go because _everyone hates him._

Benrey’s the bad guy. He ruined everything, betrayed everyone, and almost irreversibly altered the game in a few ways that would’ve taken others down with him.

Benrey and Bubby aren’t close by any means, but Benrey knows he wouldn’t have survived the void. It’s somehow both open and suffocatingly close together and Bubby would’ve hated every second of it. Benrey couldn’t allow him to be the bad guy- not even a co-bad guy. It might’ve been written in his programming from the start but nobody else had to be dragged down with him.

Benrey died and was thrown into the void. It still doesn’t make sense to him that Gordon chose to pull him out. He didn’t think Gordon would want him back at all but here he is. For one reason or another, Benrey is back.

He’s back and maybe he can make a few things right.

Benrey doesn’t notice the barking until it’s right in his face. He’s pulled away from his own thoughts when something nudges his leg and he looks down at a dog. The _perfect_ dog, now 3D.

_“Sunkist?”_ Benrey’s mouth drops. Sunkist looks up at him and barks in confirmation. If dogs can smile, then Sunkist is living proof of it. Her tail wags rapidly and she nudges her head against him again. Slowly, Benrey reaches out and pets her.

Her fur is just as soft as he remembers. Benrey doesn’t know why but touching Sunkist alone makes him want to cry.

_“...What are you-”_ Benrey doesn’t get to finish.

“Sunkist? Sunkist! There you-... Are.”

Benrey’s head moves up and he freezes. Sunkist returns to the side of her owner. Standing ten feet away from him is Tommy Coolatta. His eyes are locked onto him and they don’t break away for a second.

Benrey stands up abruptly. He doesn’t know if he wants to run or walk closer- honestly he can’t seem to _move._ But he doesn’t have to. Tommy bolts forward and Benrey gets something he hasn’t really had in a long time.

A hug.

Tommy wraps himself around him and doesn’t let go. He bends down and buries his face into Benrey’s shoulder. Hands cling onto him for dear life and Benrey doesn’t know what to make of it. He feels like this should be the other way around- _not that he’s complaining._ If Tommy hugged him for the rest of eternity, Benrey would be just fine with that.

Benrey decides not to ask questions. Instead, he wraps his own arms around Tommy and holds on just as tightly.

Neither move for a long time. Tommy awkwardly laughs at one point, his voice cracking. “I… I should probably let go, shouldn’t I?”

“...You don’t have to.” Benrey says quietly.

So he doesn’t. 

Benrey’s assumption that Tommy hated him drains until it’s completely gone. Tears escape him and he can feel Tommy sobbing into his shoulder. For once, he doesn’t try to hold back his emotions, letting go. His eyes close and he forgets about everything else. Right here, right now, is the only thing that matters. 

Eventually, Tommy pulls away but he doesn’t back off, one arm still on his shoulder. Benrey doesn’t want him to anyways. Tommy laughs quietly, still looking as bewildered as before but trying to wipe the tears from his eyes. “You… You’re _alive.”_ Benrey nods. “H... _How?_ I looked _everywhere_ for you and you- you were dead!”

“I was.” Benrey mumbles, then quickly clears his throat. “Uh, Feetman got me out somehow… Probably had something to do with this door? I- I dunno. Didn’t really see what happened. Wasn’t awake for it.”

“Mr. Freeman...” Tommy frowned. “Why… Why wouldn’t he tell us you were out?”

“Oh uh…” Benrey rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Kinda told him not to? Wasn’t ready to see any of you yet. Kinda thought you’d... All hate me?” Benrey duck his head at Tommy’s wide eyes. _“Don’t look at me like that.”_

“It- it wasn’t all your fault, Benrey.” 

“Maybe not all of it but I still made my own choices.”

“I…” Tommy softens. His hand moves to cup Benrey’s cheek, catching his attention again. “I don’t really care about what happened in the game. We’re out of it- we can move on! We’re _free!_ And- and I want you to be a part of it.” Tommy shot him a smile. Benrey melted internally.

“...I’d like that.” Benrey mumbles. Tommy’s smile grows and he pulls him into another hug, this one quicker than the last but no less genuine.

“...Are- are you doing okay?” Tommy asks when he pulled away again.

“Better than I was. Seeing you again helps.” Benrey falters for a moment. “I- I should probably go back to Gordon’s place. Kinda freaked him out when I left.”

“I can come with you?” 

Benrey smiled at that, then was hit with a sudden realization. “...Even if I wanted to say no- _which I don’t_ \- I can’t.”

“Why?”

“...I forgot the way back.”

—

It only occurs to Gordon that he has to have a similar, awkward conversation with Tommy as Benrey did when Benrey decides to leave the pair alone to take a shower.

It hits Gordon like a truck and he pales on impact. Sunkist notices surprisingly quickly, snuggling up next to him. Petting her releases the tension from his shoulders but not the anxiety in his chest. It’s a good start though. Sunkist really _is_ the perfect dog.

Gordon holds his breath but Tommy doesn’t speak up half as fast as Gordon expects. Instead, his eyes linger on the hallway entrance where Benrey left, eyes full of something Gordon doesn’t understand.

It almost looks like how Gordon felt when he first woke up. Fear, surprise, wonder, hope, joy, and a million and one questions all wrapped into a single, confusing emotion. That you’re looking at something impossibly good- too good to be true- and yet here it is. It’s everything you ever wanted and you’re too scared to question how you got it.

“Is- is he okay?” Tommy asks in the end. Gordon is almost surprised by the question. Almost.

“He's… Better?” Gordon wishes he had a more comforting answer but given how Benrey was acting before he left, he couldn’t just say ‘Good’ now could he? Tommy glances over at him, silently asking him to elaborate. “He’s not _perfect-_ I don’t think any of us are to be honest but… He’s less jumpy. More active. More _himself_ then when I, uh…”

Tommy’s attention completely shifts to him. He wants to know, that much is clear. Lucky for Tommy, Gordon has had some time to think about it. _Process_ it. He has a rough idea of how to put it into words now- though it still fucks with his head to think about.

“I… I don’t know how to say this but there was- there was this _door_ that led into the void? One of those skeletons- the ones connected to Benrey- it kept bothering me until I followed it and it brought me to the door. Benrey was on the other side. Skeleton kept insisting _I_ was the only one who could get him out and eventually… I did. Had to carry him out. Haven’t seen the skeleton since, don’t know why.”

Tommy’s eyebrows furrowed. “That’s…” He trails off, then seemingly picks a different thing to focus on. “Why- why did you do it? I kinda thought you’d be the last person to want him back!”

“I _didn’t_ want him back. At first at least.” Gordon opens and closes his mouth. He doesn’t know how to explain his dream. He’s still not convinced it wasn’t just some anxiety induced fever dream. “But uh… After seeing him the first time, I didn’t go around him for like a week but I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He looked in _pain_ and I guess I didn’t really want him to suffer as much as I thought I might? Or I just felt bad because… Any karma he had against him looked like it got paid already and it didn’t look like it was gonna _stop_ unless I did something. So I did.”

“I… Mr. Freeman, thank you.” Tommy looks like he might cry but he doesn’t. Gordon honestly can’t blame him if he does. 

“Are _you_ okay?” Gordon’s eyebrows raise.

Tommy laughs. It sounds more hollow than anything. “I’m fine, Mr. Freeman.”

Gordon gives him a more pointed look. 

Tommy deflates faster than he was expecting. “I… I missed him. He’s kinda my best friend? Other- other than Sunkist!” Sunkist barks are her name. Tommy bends down and gives her a few scrubs. It seems to allow him to keep talking. “And I kinda thought I… I lost him _forever,_ Mr. Freeman! And- and I couldn’t even remember what I _said_ to him last. Not about him but _to_ him. And I- I was scared he died thinking I hated him.”

“He knows now.” Gordon points out.

“Yeah…” Tommy abruptly throws his arms around him. He hugs him tightly- almost painfully but Gordon can’t find it in him to care. Because Tommy’s hugs are always full of heart and emotion and _love._ Tommy radiates love and the second it touches you, it’s stunning. Makes you feel like it’s the first hug you’ve ever gotten.

Gordon squeezes back. _“Thank you.”_ Tommy whispers in his ear. _“I-... Thank you so much.”_

“Are you okay?” Gordon asks again. It occurs to him that he never got an answer.

_“I- I will be.”_

—

“Mr. Freeman?”

“Yeah? Also you- you realize you can just call me Gordon, right?”

“Yeah… When are you gonna tell Dr. Coomer and Bubby?”

Gordon paused, then huffed. The guilt still weighed on him. It’s barely a day after Tommy found out and that was all he could think about. He didn’t _want_ to keep secrets but at the same time…

“It’s not really my place to tell, bud.” Gordon shrugs. “I don’t want to keep them out of it but I can’t really blame Benrey? I don’t see an outcome with Bubby _specifically_ where finding out that won’t end in him punching somebody- most likely me or Benrey. Or both. Oh _god,_ he’s gonna set my fucking _apartment_ on fire, isn’t he?”

Tommy sent a sympathetic smile. “I- I don’t think he’s gonna go that- _that_ far.”

“...I still don’t think it’s gonna go well.” Gordon winced internally. The pair made their way into one of the cafes, looking for lunch. Benrey wasn’t interested in going out since while it went well with Tommy, he didn’t think he would survive if Bubby and Coomer accidentally ran into him. As for the happy couple, Gordon was kind of avoiding them.

It was different when he was keeping everyone in the dark- Gordon was slowly able to detach himself from the lies- but now _Tommy_ knew. Now he was specifically _lying_ to Coomer and Bubby every second he didn’t tell them. It killed him inside.

His phone buzzed to life and he took one look at it and half chuckled. “Speak of the devil.” He quickly answered. “Hello?”

_“Gordon, I’m coming over.”_ Bubby announced. A throat cleared on the other end and Bubby corrected himself. _“We’re coming over- Coomer too.”_

_“We would like to check on your prosthetic, Gordon! Make sure everything is working properly and if there’s anything we can improve!”_ Coomer chirped.

“It- it feels fine.” Gordon told them. He flexed it experimentally to check. His stomach started to stir but he ignored it. “And I’m not even home! I’m going to lunch with Tommy!”

_“Tommy’s there? Hello, Tommy!”_

_“Bring whatever you get back, we’re already on our way.”_

“We’re halfway across town!” Gordon argues, rubbing his temple.

_“I do **not** want your new arm breaking anytime soon and I doubt you do either!”_ Bubby pushed back. _“I’ll be quick.”_

A lump catches in his throat. He doesn’t want to argue. “Fiiine. There’s an extra key under the doormat.”

_“The doormat? Seriously?”_ Bubby scoffs from the other end. _“It’s like you want to get robbed.”_

“Shut up. See you in 20.” Gordon hangs up, huffing. He turns to Tommy, sending an apologetic look. “Sorry, Bubby’s insisting on heading over. We might have to move this over to my place.”

“...Your place?” Tommy repeats weakly. 

Gordon blinks. “Uh… Yeah? Why, something wrong?”

“Your place where Benrey is currently staying?”

Wheels turn and click into place in his head. “Oh.” Gordon pauses. Blood drains out of his face. _“Oh. Oh fuck.”_

—

After hearing about Gordon getting his own lunch, Coomer suggests grabbing some as well, which Bubby wholeheartedly agrees. Giving each other a parting kiss, they both set off with a separate mission. Bubby finds his way to Gordon’s apartment and unlocks the door with the key provided.

“I could totally rob him if I wanted to…” Bubby mumbles. He’s not _going_ to- he really doesn’t need to piss off Gordon, especially when he’s trying to make amends, but… He can still _think_ about it, can’t he? Nothing wrong with that.

Bubby walks through the door, closing it behind him. Just as he does, a figure appears at the doorway, already talking. “Oh hey, didn’t expect you to be back so early. Was gonna ask, do you think-...”

They trail off when they see him. Bubby stops dead when he does the same.

_Benrey._

Instincts take over. Bubby socks him right on the nose and Benrey stumbles back, wincing. Bubby’s eyes widen even more after he’s made physical contact. “Holy shit, you’re _real.”_

“Y...Yeah?” Benrey winces. He still looks dazed.

A beat. His eyes narrow, lip curling upwards at Benrey. “You’re _real.”_ Bubby repeats, far less confusion and more _venom_ in his words.

Benrey doesn’t get a chance to say anything more- Bubby doesn’t let him. He lunges at him and unfortunately, Benrey seems to be ready. He dodges his attack and starts backing up when Bubby advances on him.

“You _fucker!_ You’re supposed to be _dead!”_ His teeth clench. “And why in the _hell_ are you in _Gordon’s apartment?”_

“U-uh…” The fear on Benrey’s face is clear and Bubby relishes in it. _He should be afraid. That bastard. What game is he playing?_

It takes everything in Bubby not to set something on fire. Gordon will be pissed if he burns down his apartment. _Though, if I said it was to get rid of Benrey, he might be less pissed._ Bubby considers it, but dismisses it in the end. _I don’t need it to take him down. I’m a fucking perfect lifeform. This will be a piece of cake._

Bubby charges at him. Benrey bolts. Benrey does a full circle of the living room and climbs over the couch with Bubby on his tail. It surprises Bubby how little he says, usually he’s spitting some nonsense about video games and false memories but the most Bubby gets is, _‘Stop following me!’_ Which he ignores.

_Why doesn’t he teleport or something?_ Bubby narrows his eyes. _How the hell is he even here?_

Benrey makes a bolt for the door. Bubby is on his heels but both stop dead when the door swings open and a bellowing voice announces, “Bubby, my dear! I have lunch!”

Coomer blocks the exit for Benrey and doesn’t realize it until he lays eyes on him. The bag full of food from the cafe is dropped to the floor as Coomer processes what’s right in front of him.

Bubby acts quickly. _“Grab him!”_

Benrey tries to turn back but Bubby blocks the way. Coomer reacts on instinct to Bubby’s command, arms wrapping around Benrey’s waist and hoisting him up, even though it’s only two inches off the ground given he’s not too much taller than him.

A strangled yelp escapes Benrey and hell breaks loose. Colors burst around Benrey all at once- his form flickering violently- and it takes Bubby a second to realize they’re glitches. If Coomer is affected by it physically, he doesn’t show any outward pain, but the shock that breaks out on his face is evident.

Benrey only glitches for a few seconds but it feels like eternity. Seeing a glitch at all sends a deep seeded terror in Bubby- a primal fear telling him to _run._

The second it’s gone, Benrey goes limp. Bubby almost think he’s faking but he doesn’t move a muscle- not even a twitch.

Coomer’s mouth hangs open. He stares at Benrey while still holding onto him before steadily meeting Bubby’s gaze.

_“What the fuck.”_ Bubby blurts out.

“Bubby dear, help me set him on the couch. I think I need to sit down.” Coomer mumbles quietly.

—

Coomer can barely focus on the text. His eyes keep darting between his phone, Bubby, Benrey, and back again. Benrey lies on the couch, still unconscious. Bubby sits on the other armchair parallel to Coomer and glares at Benrey the whole time. Benrey, who is somehow _here,_ intact and everything. It’s all too much information at once. It’s screwing with his head.

Their lunch lies on the coffee table, untouched. 

“Gordon will be here in around five minutes.” Coomer informs Bubby. His usual pep ghosts his words. 

Bubby’s eyes don’t leave Benrey. His fingers tap against his leg but he doesn’t speak up immediately. “Did he know?” Bubby asks in a low tone.

“He… Seemed to know what I meant when I said that we would need to talk when he got back. And he called a dozen times when I was picking up food- all of which went to voicemail.” Coomer swallows. “So I think it’s fair to assume that he did.”

“Why _lie?_ About _Benrey_ of all things?” Bubby’s lip curls up. “We had a right to _know.”_

“...Gordon wouldn’t lie without good reason, would he?”

“What _good reason_ could he possibly _have?”_ Bubby snaps. Fury blazes within him, plain as day. Bubby gets up and begins to pace back and forth, fists balled at his side. “He brings this _asshole_ back into our life and for _what?”_

“I thought you felt guilty about him.” Bubby shoots him a look. Coomer quickly adds, “Not a criticism, simply an observation.”

It seems to take away some of the edge but Bubby doesn’t relax by any means. “He was dead then, that’s different. Now he’s _here._ Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten what he _did.”_

“I haven’t.” Coomer paused. “But… How much of that was Benrey?”

“What?” Bubby’s eyebrows knitted together.

“You know as well as I do that sometimes our… _Code_ can make us be a certain way. I-...” Coomer chuckles humorlessly to himself. “I don’t know how many times I said ‘Hello Gordon’ based on pure code alone. Sometimes I felt more puppet than _real._ And I’m just the tutorial.”

“What… What are you saying?”

“All of us had certain things we had to do as… AIs.” The word alone leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. “Gordon’s movement and path was based on the player, I helped out on instinct, you and Tommy kept Gordon alive,” he doesn’t miss how Bubby flinches at that, however slight it is, “And Benrey, well… He was the villain, wasn’t he? Fighting and dying by our hand was in his veins since the beginning. So how much of the Benrey we saw was Benrey and how much was code?”

Coomer doesn’t know what hit Bubby but his mouth opens and closes. “It’s not like he’s completely blameless. Fuckin’ left me in my _tube.”_

_“...you still mad about that?”_

All eyes turned to Benrey, shifting on the couch. With half lidded eyes, he glances between Coomer and Bubby before putting his head in his hands. _“‘s not how I wanted this to go…”_

Bubby doesn’t waste a second, marching up to Benrey and pointing accusingly at him. Benrey flattens himself on the couch but Bubby pokes his chest _hard._

_“What the **fuck** are you talking about?”_ Bubby hisses. Benrey opens his mouth but Bubby beats him to it. “None of your _bullshit,_ alright? The next thing out of your mouth better be an explanation or I swear to god _I will set you on fire.”_

Benrey hesitates. _“Uh-_ Uh… I’m alive?”

Bubby sharply intakes. 

_“Shit-_ uh I died and went to the void, Feetman pulled me out, I told him not to tell anyone else I was alive yet because-...”

_“Because?”_ Bubby presses, jabbing his finger at Benrey again. "Because you were a _coward?"_

Benrey narrows his eyes after a moment and Coomer sees the exact moment that something in him snaps back at Bubby.

Benrey slaps Bubby’s finger away from him, sitting up, and meeting his eyes head on. “Because I- I _knew_ you’d act like this!”

“What, _reasonable?_ You tried to _kill_ us!”

“Doesn’t mean I wanted to.” 

_“Bull. Shit._ You gonna blame it all on your coding? You have _free will.”_

“Being the final boss and being an NPC who follows the main character like a lost duckling have very different definitions of ‘Free will’.” Benrey’s eyes narrow. “I was always meant to betray Gordon. What’s your excuse?”

Bubby flinches but his gaze doesn’t wager for a second. _“You-!”_

_**“That’s enough out of both of you.”** _

Coomer stands up as both of their heads snap to him. He meets both of their gazes, neither are able to hold it steady. 

The front door bursts open. Gordon scrambles through it with Tommy close behind. 

The room fills up with silence. Bubby is the first to break it, heading for the door.

“What- what are you doing?” Gordon asks, breathlessly.

_“Leaving.”_ Bubby pushes past Gordon but Tommy blocks his way. He tries to side step past him but Tommy mirrors his movement. His jaw clenches. _“Move.”_

“No.”

“I’m not arguing with you-!”

“Good because I’m-I’m not gonna change my mind.” Bubby lifts his head. Tommy’s eyes tell him everything he needs to know. He takes a step back.

Tommy shuts the door behind him, locking it on second nature. His eyes glance over everyone before he sighs. “We- we’re not going to avoid this, okay? We should all sit down. I… I think this is going to be a long conversation.”

Nobody argues with him, either because they agree or because Tommy is making it abundantly clear that he’s not backing down.

“Gordon?” Gordon blinks in surprise at Tommy using his actual name. “Maybe you should start.”

Gordon pauses but nods in the end. “Right, uh… I guess I should start with the skeleton?”

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter took s o long (or at least it felt like it?) but its HERE! Take these notes:
> 
> \- Alt Summary for this chapter was: "It's all fun and games until your friends all realize you're actually alive. Only one of them reacts well. Take a wild guess which one."
> 
> \- I finally mapped out exactly what I wanted to do for the next few chapters and hghhhh it's gonna be a little while before Tommy's chapter because there's some. Stuff. I need to set up first. But it's gonna be so GOOD when I finally get there I'm e x c i t e d
> 
> \- Bubby may or may not be lashing out at Benrey for his own guilt. Coomer is 100% aware of this because these two are basically married
> 
> \- Benrey's abilities haven't come back yet and they glitch when he tries to use them- hence the glitches when he wakes up after the nightmare and after Coomer grabs him- both instances were him trying to teleport away. Being trapped in the Void for two weeks has some side effects to say the least.
> 
> \- Joshua and Maria Lore (Don't worry, they'll actually appear later).
> 
> \- White means he's not alright
> 
> Anddd that's it! Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who comments- I seriously owe you my LIFE. Keeps me motivated in a lot of ways and just makes my day to know that people actually enjoy this? So yeah, thank you! Comments are encouraged and appreciated as always! Also, I low key wanna make a playlist for this series and might've already started on one, would anyone be interested in seeing it?
> 
> Also here's my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/purplecatghostposts) if you want to find me elsewhere!
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading!!


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